All days are Father's and Mother's day (Lia)

Talking about father's day that has just passed and a much earlier mother's day in May, I would say, in general, all parents are great parents. But of course there are different styles of parenting. I came across one father who said, "I don't know much about my children academic matters, it is taken care by my wife. I'm not sure what course my daughter majors in, I am not home most of the time." He seems contented that his wife makes a lot of decision without consulting him and the children are doing fine by far and large.

In another setting, the father is dominant. What he says, goes, without much discussion. The children seem to be doing just fine as well.

It goes without saying that the best setting is for both parents to be involved in their children lives to a certain extent when they are still under your wings.  Actively participate in the children decisions to guide them along the correct path so less time is spent on corrective measure later on. The children have to understand what parents want are for them to have a better life and to be successful in their chosen undertakings.

As for us... we are willing to catch a grenade, jump in front of a train and take a bullet straight to the brain (listen to Bruno Mars's video) for the children if need be...

Ketidaksempurnaan, Ego dan Mohon Maaf (Adnan)

Let me pick up from Lia's previous posting on the issue of "ketidaksempurnaan, ego dan mohon maaf". I believe those three words are very much related to her 24 years of experience with her better half, which is ME. I never realised that I'm that type of person who is so `berat mulut' to say sorry, even when it was clearly my mistake (but I'm glad she can read my body language which sometimes is louder than words, I'm sorry). This is very unlike her who would quickly apologised. And I concur with her that it is about my ego. It took me over two decades of marital relationship to realise that. She'd subtly pointed out about this on many occasions, but it never changed anything, until I observed from our own children. Among our children, there are her `type' and there are my `type' or a combination. We have one daughter who is type "Kamaliah" and another daughter who is type "Adnan". The two boys some what a combination of type "Kamaliah" and "Adnan". The two daughters are very predictable about "mohon maaf" because there have inherited only one type, the two boys some how are rather unpredictable. The good thing about all this is that we talked about our children and their antics, but in actuality we are reflecting about ourselves. In short, we do learn many things from our children.

Father's Day (Adnan)

Kamil Hafidz, Atina Shahida, Afiza Khaleeda & Amir Radzwan,

Thanks for the gift (see picture)...a word paints a thousand pictures! Bunyi macam terbalik.Not really, with those words on those certificate, you can visual many things in your head. It can represent a symbolic gesture of appreciation, of trying to be funny (except for my little Amir, who's too serious) or may be for lack of ideas of getting your dad a little something! May be it's the last one, tak tahu nak beli apa...ayah cerewet sikit.

24th Wedding Anniversary (Adnan)

Wow, that's a long first piece from Lia. Hmm... apparently you have a lot of things to say about our anniversary and married life. By now, after 24 years, I think, both of us know our better half very well. One thing I would add, though, avoiding conflict and long-term communication breakdown between spouse requires hell of a skill. And we are both good at it.

Lia is a good listener, I have to admit. Most of the time, I will do the talking while she'd lend her ears listening to almost anything I'd to say (though while driving on the highway, often times she'd fell asleep, and I'll be talking to my car steering).  But there are times, we are simply quiet. Nothing to say. May be my`nothing box' takes over my brain, may be we were not in the mood, and often times, it was a `silent treatment' from me. I'll blog about `silent treatment' some other times. Infact, we can write a book about `silent treatment'.

Back to the anniversary, 24 years of ups and downs of marital relationship. Lots of sacrfices but overall it's full of love, laughter, joy and happiness. And we'd cherish and love to talk about it almost all the time. And this blog is a symbolic expression of that years of being together.

Ulangtahun Perkahwinan (Lia)

Tahun ini genaplah 24 tahun perkahwinan kami. Terdapat sedikit perbezaan kali ini.  Tiada hadiah atau kad yang saya berikan.  Nak  kata saya terlupa atau lalai… tak juga. Tahun-tahun sebelumnya, saya akan berbelanja, mencari hadiah ulangtahun perkahwinan yang sesuai untuk suami. Pilihan biasanya dari pakaian, alat tulis, kad istimewa dan barangan penjagaan diri seperti shaver, cologne dan lain barang yang biasa. Pernah juga saya mahu belikannya kasut, assessori. Ini tak boleh nak create surprise kerana dia perlu memilih sendiri dan mencuba saiz yang sesuai. Although basically know his size but Adnan is a bit fussy about choosing personal  item such shoes or electronic  gadgets so he has to come along. Sometimes (most of the time he ended paying  for it)…. But I still claim that it is a present from me and the kids.

Kelainan
Apa kelainannya tahun ini…. ?  Saya hanya mahu bermanja dan memanjakan serta bermalasan (seperti dalam lagu Bruno Mars, lihat video) di rumah bersama suami dan anak-anak. 

Rasa sangat bahagia begitu…. Kita mengingat kembali zaman di UKM dulu semasa berpacaran… memainkan lagu-lagu di kala itu yang sering kami lagukan. Lagu-lagu Broery Marantika, Alleycat, khususnya yang sering membuai perasaan. Lagu-lagu ini sukar dikongsi dengan anak-anak kerana bukan dari zaman mereka. (Broery ..Who?)

Walau bagaimanapun anniversary kali ini jatuh pada hari bekerja dan ianya berlalu begitu sahaja  tapi hari itu masih di rasakan istimewa sepanjang minggu.  Walaupun dekat tapi rindu…Walaupun kami bukanlah pasangan yang sangat romantis, tapi kami dapat merasakan kasih sayang dan kebahagiaan itu milik kami sehingga kini.

Tidak dapat dinafikan setelah 24 tahun, mengharungi susah senang bersama sudah tentu ada masanya kami terguris dan mengguris, berkecil hati dan memendam rasa. Namun dapat diatasi dan meningkatkan persefahaman, kasih sayang dan hormat menghormati.  Saya banyak belajar dari hubungan ini untuk menyemai kebahagiaan.

Anak-anak juga tidak lupa pada anniversary kami. Saya dapat hadiah sebuah "piala" – the greatest mom  on earth dan ayah mereka menerima "sijil" the greatest dad on earth. It was so sweet.  I hope they meant it.

Tips Perkahwinan
Apa yang dapat saya kongsi dari perkahwinan selama 24 tahun ini?
Tak ada tips sebenarnya… Cuma beberapa pendekatan yang mungkin juga sudah cliché …
- Bertanggungjawab
- Saling memahami
- Saling mempercayai
- Sentiasa mempamirkan kasih sayang
- Berkomunikasi dan berinteraksi (easier said than done - ni susah sikit, kerana ada ego masing-masing)
- Bersabar (sabo je lah)
- Mengetahui peranan masing-masing
- Merendah diri  - memaafkan dan mengakui kesalahan (ni susah sikit pada sesetengah pasangan)
- Jauhilah prasangka buruk  (ini perlukan anjakan pradigma)
- Saling membantu dengan kerja rumah (pada yang tiada pembantu rumah)
- Agree to disagree

The list can go on and on…. depending on the couple.

Dalam hidup ini, kita perlu ingat "jika orang lain boleh terima ketidaksempurnaan kita, apa salahnya kita bukakan hati untuk menerima ketidaksempurnaan orang lain." Yang penting orang itu ingin cuba berubah untuk kita sebab dia sayangkan kita. Kasih sayang merupakan satu-satunya perasan paling sempurna yang ALLAH anugerahkan kepada setiap manusia. Sebenarnya ini hanya mudah di ungkapkan tapi dari segi praktisnya amat susah sekali.

Ketidaksempurnaan
Bercakap mengenai  ketidaksempurnaan diri dan juga pasangan ini membawa kepada ungkapan terimalah dirinya seadanya, kerana ini akan mengurangkan kejutan atau kesan ekspektasi yang tidak dipenuhi pasangan. Namun saya percaya ketidaksempurnaan ini tidak kekal… ianya boleh dibaiki dari masa kemasa sekiranya kita mahu belajar dari kesilapan dan membaiki ketidaksempurnaan diri dan membantu pasangan  mengakui ketidaksempurnaannya dan berusaha ke arah penambahbaikan.
Sebagai contoh… suami yang  sangat tinggi egonya…. Dia sukar untuk memohon maaf pada anda atas kesalahan atau kesilapan yang dilakukannya yang sangat nyata. (Ini ketidaksempurnaannya).   Kita perlu terima ini seadanya. Walau bagaimanapun baca tingkahlakunya…mungkin dia menyatakan mohon maafnya tidak dengan perkataan tapi bahasa badan, renungan mata atau gurau sendanya.  Cukup dengan itu …  tak perlu merajuk berpanjangan. Jika dilihat disebaliknya… apasalahnya memujuk isteri/ suami  yang merajuk atas kesilapan yang dilakukan…. Percayalah isteri/suami  yang dipujuk dengan cara yang betul, cepat cair rajuknya. Ini akan menambah kemanisan rumahtangga itu dan dapat dicontohi oleh anak-anak.

Dalam hidup berumahtangga menghormati pasangan, menegur dengan berhemah dan berkomunikasi adalah amalan yang boleh menjamin kerukunan. Kita juga boleh berkongsi dengan kawan-kawan atau keluarga tentang masalah yang dihadapi dalam rumahtangga tetapi sentiasa menjaga maruah diri dan  pasangan.

Kesimpulannya, perkahwinan adalah pembelajaran sepanjang hayat …. Doa  saya agar kami berkekalan ke hujung nyawa dan di akhirat juga InsyaAllah.

Mukadimmah

Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarrakatuh dan Salam Sejahtera


Perahu telah air, Dayung di tangan

Adnan:  Okay, now what? After going through the hassle of creating a blog, we are faced with the first hurdle of what to blog. Is is what they called writer's block? But we are hardly writers. Both of us have been thinking and talking about blogging for sometimes. But we never get down to doing it. But today, our yatch is on the shore and the sail has been set. Are you ready lia...off we go...

Lia; O.k...  Lets do it